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Bible Questions and Spiritual Discussion
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| The heart of a man? | | I just spent some time talking about the heart of a woman towards her man in a marriage in Bibleman's "Adultery - leadership" thread, and I can't help but ask the question in reverse. What is it that makes men cheat? Is there anything wives can do to help protect the heart of her husband? I might get married again some day. What can you tell me? What do women need to know about the hearts of their men? What is a man looking for when he cheats or is tempted to cheat? Can a wife protect him?
| | Kelley 06/22/2010 21:15 | |
I think probably the deepest core need of a man in his spouse is respect. He needs to know that she believes his heart is good toward her and that he is loving her well. That is mostly shown by her trust in his ability to lead rather than second guessing his every decision or constantly pointing out deficiencies. He already knows.
I also do not subscribe to the idea that a man (or woman) just cheat. I don't believe affairs are one sided generally speaking. The one who finally cheats has to assume the role of the offender and the one who did not gets to be the martyr in many cases but the truth is that in most cases (not in all) the couple walked down a long road away from each other for quite awhile. At least that's my observation after talking to an awful lot of people about it. Men don't normally have affairs just for sex. Some do but most men who get married actually want to be in a loving relationship but end up running dry and the first breath of life that comes along becomes intoxicating. I imagine this is true for women as well and has definitely borne itself out by the women I've spoken to who have had extramarital affairs. Sex wasn't the main point. The vast and desperate emotional void was so the "affair" started long before the sex even if that was a very short runway.
It's a good conversation. There are probably a hundred different opinions to be shared but I think the answer to your question is probably respect more than anything.
Blessings
Brian
| So true, Brian. I also think that communication with one another is something we do less and less. We rather tell the co-worker things instead of our spouses. Our homes are not sacred anymore and the busyness of our lives draws away from the search for the deep inner heart concerns. We rather give others advise and fail to look into our own homes and lives. I fall prey time and time again to just live happily with my own busyness and forget that I actually have a husband. I am very guilty of it because I get carried away in all the millions chores I have to do and forget to stand still and give attention to the most important people.
| Wow... I'm gonna have to go to God about this in seeking, Brian. Your words I know are true. I feel a conviction at them and yet it is one I don't fully understand yet. My marriage is over, and I am sorting. Wanting to know what was true on BOTH sides, to take the pieces that were my responsibility where I failed and learn from him, but to understand some pieces of it were his too. Not to blame, but to understand. I know I will probably never have it wrapped up as neatly as I would wish. You had mentioned critical words as part of feeling a lack of respect, and I know that wasn't it for us specifically. I could give you my husbands cell phone number and let you ask him if I was a critical wife and I know what he would say. I never critisized him ever. His heart I fought for. Yet he still felt unrespected. How can a man long for his wife's respect, and it is a respect she longs to give, she LONGS to gives it, and it still didn't either happen well or get communicated well? I am desperate to understand these things. Lord, show me my own heart. I can't see the truth in its layers. How can I change what I cannot understand. Give me understanding, Lord.
| I never prioritized him :( If I had questions I would talk to him about it, and talk to everyone else whose opinion I was interested in, but his opinion didn't have priority. He was just one of my friends. That showed in all kinds of ways. My face wasn't turned toward him, either. Neither of us faced each other in life. We left each other somewhere along the way and never even noticed. We felt the sadness and the lack but never stopped to wonder why. Until it was over. I prayed so many times that God would show me how to love my husband and how to be a good wife, I talked to God about it more then I talked to my husband about it. He wanted my TIME and I never had much to give. He simply wasn't my priority. We starved each other and broke up without a single fight. I just feel heartsick. I am sorry, Lord. :(
| As I read Kelley's thoughts about her marriage, I see the deep longing of her heart to find answers, I can't help but sense that the absolute most important thing she could do, is what she is doing now. not comforting herself by blaming, but just seeking answers from God and God's followers. Since God often speaks to us thru the brothers or sisters.
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